For the first time, in a very long time I felt ashamed to be Catholic this week, discouraged in my hope for a future.

As more news stories came out of the Pennsylvania Grand Jury report my heart sank even more. How could this have happened, how could men who we trust to lead us to Christ, possibly be manipulating young boys and girls for their own sexual pleasure? But worse, have their bishops help them cover it up.

My soul ached when the stories first surfaced and not knowing what else to do, I spent time in adoration pleading with Jesus for this to make sense. Instead, because it doesn’t, I cried; for the victims, for the men who have a sickness that caused them to act in violent destructive ways, for the people who knew better and made the active choice to do wrong, including my own bishop, for those who have turned away from the church, and then for my own confusion and sadness. I just sat and cried. Present with the Lord, because where else is there to go?

As the week progressed and women on a few pages I follow started to share their stories of sexual assault during mass, and confession I became angry. How could these men who are consecrated to a life of serving others and representing Christ during our time on Earth destroy the lives of many. While struggling I reached out to a friend who reminded me that we are human, and not without our own sin, and that the best we could do is to pray for healing and a future where this never occurs again exists. But it doesn’t seem to be enough.

I went to mass today as a chore, however as I sat there, my heart shifted and I was reminded that there are good holy priests out there. As the word of the Lord was proclaimed I thought of my relationship with my spiritual director. A random meeting at Catholic Underground has turned into a 7 year relationship in which he has become my spiritual father. Often he reminds me it’s his job to get me into heaven, a difficult challenge at best, and together we have worked on my relationship with Jesus, strengthening my faith. More importantly we work on healing. He has helped me to understand that there are people in this world who will love you unconditionally just because you are you the way Jesus loved you into creation. Who will drive an hour away because you’re scared and in the hospital and need Jesus. Who will listen to you when you are facing major life choices and push you to do the best you can and not fall short because they want you to live your best life. Priests like this exist.

Then I thought of my friends. Their ordinations, their first masses. I cried then too. These days were so joyful and full of love. Watching them change over the last 4 years becoming men of God who stand by their faith and protect it. Who are real about their struggles in their faith, but not once regretting their decision to devote their lives to serving the Lord and their community. Has been a beautiful experience and no short of a grace from God to get to watch their lives unfold and continue to be even better Fathers.

One of these friends and I meet weekly to spend time in holy hour at a local parish. We head to dinner, discuss where we are in our faith, what our struggles are and who needs prayers. Then we end with night prayer. The time we spend in front of the Blessed Sacrament is not something I would trade for all of the money in the world. There are good men who say yes to Jesus. These are good men who know what it means to be a good father. To protect their children. To lead their children to heaven. To help them know Christ. These good and holy men exist.

My fear now as we move forward and begin the healing process is that priests who have done good, who are holy loving men, like the ones I have mentioned here., like the thousands of others will get discouraged. I fear their already tired hearts will become even more exhausted with more demands, and increased push back from parishioners and non believers. I worry there will be a time in which they are embarrassed or afraid to go out in their clerics. I’m afraid we will enter into an even larger vocational crisis than we are already are in.

The world needs holy men who are willing to say yes and protect us from these terrible predators who were supposed to lead us to Christ. We need men who are willing to step up and lead our church through this battle that we are about to go through, but more importantly we need men who are willing to show us Christ’s love and show that healing is possible. We need hope for the future, and these good priests need to direct us to it.

One of the issues that makes me the saddest is that this report only encompassed one state. I am sure we will learn of other tragic victims, serious accusations and absolute disgusting stories will arise. However, through all of this, we need to remain grounded in our faith. Jesus as the center of our lives is the only way we will get through this tragic time in our church’s history. Let’s continue to pray for healing, and ask all things through the intercession of our Mother Mary.

Love & Prayers,

B